Enough Wasted Youth...

I am now at work, these past two weeks were hectic and tasks were stacked on my office. It is Thursday and I’ve already finished all tasks days before their deadlines. And I am bored but content of my devotion and commitment despite of all what I’ve been through lately.
It is strange how the human mind works when faced by enormous amount of pain… I don’t know if this is my mind playing tricks on me – playing the all numb card – to relief itself of all the undesired chemicals secreted into my blood stream as a result of unjustified guilt, self blame and crucifixion and the pressure these entail, or is it that god had really answered my prayers and deprived me of my pain and spared me.

Either way I am feeling numb. I still get some flashes every now and then which cause me to disorient for some and so minutes… but after which there is nothing… a complete silence of emotions and a nullity of obscurity that – actually – helps me appreciate things and see them clearer than ever.

I am now focused more on the things that matters the most, my career, my dreams that I once sacrificed and most importantly my relationship with God which were retreating over the past years.

I am working in the regional office for a gigantic group that is maintaining eighty one companies in thirty three countries. It’s quite a career jump after working for two years for a company that provides services for three local companies only. I am being paid thirteen times what I was paid before.

What’s with the “three” in the previous paragraph? Even “81” is devisable by three!!!

And despite of all that, I am feeling I am just getting started… I’ve always seen myself as an employee of a big entity and in few years the leader of which… that’s my dream and now I don’t have to forsake it for no one… its just me now… no more sacrifices and no more compromises… I am going to cruise the ocean and realize my dream and there is no space for unnecessary package on my boat… I need to travel light to get their faster… enough wasted youth…

CLOSURE

“My life closed twice before its close;

It yet remains to see

If Immortality unveil

A third event to me,

So huge, so hopeless to conceive,

As these that twice befell.

Parting is all we know of heaven,

And all we need of hell.”

- Emily Dickinson -

I need a closure after I’ve taken the hardest blow of my life, the ultimate betrayal, the life changing experience that can only make you worse…

For seven years I’ve devoted myself to her. I have made sacrifices that changed the path of my life; I endured the unbearable. But I loved her… there was nothing I wouldn’t do at that time just to put a smile on her face.

I encouraged her to travel and realize her dream. Before she traveled I told her that if she ever changed her mind after achieving what she wants all what she has to do is to treat me with courtesy. And she took my hands and told me that “this will never happen…”

There is nothing I can say to tell how much she meant to me… but that got to stop… she played me alright… she is not a bad person but she is the worst I’ve met, and that’s not in terms of quality but in terms of the extent of damage that she has caused me… I stopped believing in so many things at once that I am surprised that my whole belief system didn’t just shut down.

I believe that every human relationship you handle takes a part of your mind, heart and soul; whether it is good or bad, that’s not relevant, and now after seven years of her taking a little above 99.9 % of all three … its time that I get sober and handle my own self for a change… I’ll cherish, flourish, and appreciate “me”…

That’s my closure… NO MORE US… just "ME" and that’s how it’s going be for a very long time to come… and I pity her for that… I pity her for what she chose to miss out on…

May be I am just not good enough for her because – simply – I am too good to be hers…

Seven years down the drain...

When you feel affection for someone and you start diluting the intensity of your life to accommodate your partner’s…

When you have reached the limits that you are really ready to forsake your – god given – freedom to be just liberated… yes liberated from your own freedom..

When you crush the fences around your heart and pave the way for this graceful one to walk the extra mile…
When you are sorry for time that passes because now you have someone to share with and you just wished the hour wasn’t just 60 minutes…

When you want to apologize for everyone you ever did wrong just to complete and prefect the peace you are feeling with the universe…

When you are in orbit while the moon isn’t…

When the biggest scarifies are just another errand of your perfectly good day…

When you smile at your enemies and say: “You know what… whatever you do, at the end of the day I win”…

When you feel and experience all the above then you will know a fraction of what I used to feel.

Yes I felt that, I’ve been there, I was in love…

I encouraged her to pursue her dream and evidently to forsake ours…

This is certainly not the end I intended. Most eastern men don’t encourage their partners to pursue their dreams because they fear if they do; their partners will evidently leave them…

I didn’t believe in that… I still don’t want to…

Although I knew she has issues with commitment but what happened lately really crossed the boundaries of what is acceptable to me… for the least of it I feel degraded, hurt and broken…

She stabbed me in the back after she manipulated me for seven whole years… I’ve left my family, friends and my whole life just to provide things that I thought she deserves… and what I get… she does not want to marry me for the wrong reasons being that; and I am quoting her: “I loved her very much, sacrificed too much for too long for her”.

I believed in love, I believed in mature, civilized relationships in which parties are collaborative peers and not a death match competitors trying to crush each other and dominate…

But obviously I was proving wrong and every dominating; disrespectful fucking son of a bitch, pity excuse, of a man was right...

I’ll never be the same again… that’s the only thing I am sure of… and the extent of the damage will only be known as days pass by...

“One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope.”

Steven Deitz quotes

GOAL

I’ve never been fond of football, and as I recall it was only twice that I ever enjoyed watching it on TV, both times was more like a national event for my home country, Egypt.

Just now I saw a movie, it’s called “GOAL” it’s about a Mexican young man, who fled into the United States as an illegal alien. He grew up minding his own business, working with his father and in his spare time he played football. One day an English guy sees him play, suggests that he go to England, tries to set him up with a hot shot agent but he fails… so he takes a shot with the Newcastle team president and he scores…

Now the English guy goes back to England after making “Santiago” – which was the boy’s name – promise that he will think about it.

Santiago’s father tries to put him down claiming that people are of two kinds one who serves and others who are served and that they are the former type.

Santiago works his head off trying to save money to go to England and his father takes his money to start his own business… any ways Santiago manages to go England and meets with the English guy… he takes him to Newcastle and he participates in the training but he can’t prove himself… Newcastle team president is not impressed; they let the boy go…

The English guy that met Santiago in Los Angeles gives up and so does Santiago, but the latter tells the former about his father’s theory of “servants and masters”… The English guy chases down the Newcastle president and gets Santiago a month trial…

During this trial he is faced with many difficulties starting from racism and not ending with his asthma attack … but he fights and he finally make it to the first team…

Now, in this movie there is two parallel story lines, although one of them is the obvious and more dominant one, which is Santiago’s, I am more fascinated with the other story line… the English man’s story…

He saw someone with a potential, with a dream, and he fought to help this complete stranger realize his dreams… he was let down… he was mocked and even charged for it… but what did he do???

He fought and won….

I guess the moral of this would be: “Dreams are meant to be realized, if you don’t have any help someone who has, may be then you will find yours”

A Birthday in a starnge city...

“When you are born, you cry and the world is happy but when you die the world cries and you are happy”


Today is my birthday… I spend it alone in a strange city… I received couple of calls and some emails from people I never thought they cared…
Although I have never been attached to this day, and wasn’t ever keen of celebrating it with my friends despite them insisting…
I tell you one thing it’s not fun being alone in your birthday…

It’s not fun at all…

My first Days...

“Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.”

Dag Hammarskjold

My first days at the hotel were full of contradicting feelings… I interrupted my semi -perfect life and decided to go away for a reason… a reason that is worth fighting for, a reason that even worth suffering for... In those days I found condolences in the greater good that I’ll do for myself and my beloved ones by traveling…

The new prospects and horizons that I’ll be exploring and hopefully exploiting for my own benefit and of those who I care about were worth the sacrifice…

There were moments in which I feared I could not do it…
There were moments in which I wanted my life back…
I feared the weakness that might force me to abandon my causes…

Little did I know that my causes will be abandoning me…

ISOLATION

When you are an expat everything changes; it’s a life changing experience that forever alters your notions of what’s important and what your priorities are.

Being away from all what and whom you know, walking around in different streets, breathing different air and experiencing different routines… all of this puts you in a state of isolation that resembles shipwrecking on an island…

Your only priority becomes how to sustain yourself… how to prevent yourself from perishing into what the new circumstances – persistently – demands.

How are you supposed to be yourself when everything around you is different…!!!

No matter how beautiful this island is, you are just homesick… you miss your family, your friends, your streets and most of all... you miss… yourself…